I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it, doesn’t get it. They may think they get it, but they don’t. This is the sign you’ve been looking for.
You were meant to read these words.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Drive Before Dawn
I read what you leave in public spaces. The songs you reference. The quotes you quote. I know it's about me. I can feel you thinking of me. I want to tell you that I know and admit that I feel the same. But I can't. Not yet.
It hurts a lot when you cannot say just yet to that person how you really feel. It is a heavy burden. A responsibility. To keep your feelings to yourself. Because you know that the other person would change when you say it. And you don't want that to happen. Yet.
If not now then when?I mean, I know that some things are supposed to happen later on but I'm just tired of waiting when I know they're going to happen anyway.
I leave her clues everywhere and hope that maybe one day she'll finally understand that every word I said to her was nothing but pure truth and then she'll return.
It won't be now. It won't be ever. Lying to yourself can be the sweetest thing sometimes.
I know you can't yet. And that is why I keep writing. Perhaps, one day, my writing will have taken down the walls you keep up brick by brick until you can finally see yourself. Until then, I will write to you wherever and whenever I can.
For now I read lines like these, and ache to remember a time when it could have been me writing them. Maybe some day it could be again...no, no I'm not so foolish to hope.
when i read this, time over time, it makes what i write about her seem futile. and my heart hurts knowing im waiting for her to say the exact things to me.
However, suppose you could be 100% sure... Then you'd definitely have to confess today. For tomorrow you might slip on a banana peel and break your neck...
I need the time to find out whether I do indeed love you... or whether I am lying to myself out of the fear of not having someone to love.
Perhaps my knowing of my ability to deceive myself in such a way has made me too cautious, leading to the distortion of my love for you.
Or perhaps I knowingly use this as an excuse to avoid confronting the fear that I may not be able to live up to your expectations of me.
All I know, all I can be certain of, is the beauty of your soul, renders my ability to conclude certainties useless...and you will never know of the weeks, months, years I spent trying to figure out my emotions, my love for you.
I read what you leave in public spaces. The songs you reference. The quotes you quote. I know it's about me. I can feel you thinking of me. I want to tell you that I know and admit that I feel the same. But I can't. Not yet.
Iain...the things you say; sometimes feel as if they were written BY me, and sometimes feel as if they were written FOR me.
ReplyDeleteand this one... hits me straight in the heart..again...as if it was written FOR me. by the only person I've ever been in love with.
sigh :)
I know you never will.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts a lot when you cannot say just yet to that person how you really feel. It is a heavy burden. A responsibility. To keep your feelings to yourself. Because you know that the other person would change when you say it. And you don't want that to happen. Yet.
ReplyDeletei could read these words and even write these words and it all would mean the same!!
ReplyDeletei love this..
ReplyDeletethe words i want to hear.
No. I know they're all for her.
ReplyDeleteI stopped looking. It just made me sad that you were still out there. It is easier if you just do not exist.
ReplyDeleteWhy not now? The public poems I have left all over the place are the markers to find me. Please find me. Now.
ReplyDeleteI may be gone tomorrow.
how i wish those words are written by you... because i also write especially for you...
ReplyDeleteIf not now then when?I mean, I know that some things are supposed to happen later on but I'm just tired of waiting when I know they're going to happen anyway.
ReplyDeleteHow did you know it was me? Was it too obvious?
ReplyDeleteSometimes everyone needs to read this.
ReplyDeleteI messed up real bad. Well, not as bad as some do, but I realize what I did was wrong.
ReplyDeleteYou're good.
ReplyDeleteA true word artist: to catch a feeling that is felt by many and made visible by words for all to understand.
I leave her clues everywhere and hope that maybe one day she'll finally understand that every word I said to her was nothing but pure truth and then she'll return.
ReplyDeleteIt won't be now. It won't be ever. Lying to yourself can be the sweetest thing sometimes.
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI need hope. I really do. The fear is too much sometimes.
I know you can't yet. And that is why I keep writing. Perhaps, one day, my writing will have taken down the walls you keep up brick by brick until you can finally see yourself. Until then, I will write to you wherever and whenever I can.
ReplyDeleteyou know very well how much i can't stop thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteyou're all over the place. but not as much as the way you are always in my heart.
i miss you.
i keep wondering about whether you do still feel the same way. because i just feel it.
i can just feel it deep within my heart.
i miss you.
i love you.
For now I read lines like these, and ache to remember a time when it could have been me writing them. Maybe some day it could be again...no, no I'm not so foolish to hope.
ReplyDeletewhen i read this, time over time, it makes what i write about her seem futile.
ReplyDeleteand my heart hurts knowing im waiting for her to say the exact things to me.
I feel like you are writing from a script of my thoughts.
ReplyDeletei like reading vandalisms
ReplyDeletebut i love reading your posts
there's always something about vandalisms in public places that make us think theyre for us.
love it.
ths is exactly what my bf is like. i hope it is, and he will say the things... in time.
ReplyDeleteWhy the fuck not?
ReplyDeleteAll this pent up hurt would be lessened if people just told other people what they're thinking.
Maybe I'm just taking this too literally.
"I know it's about me."
ReplyDeleteYou do? Are you absolutely sure?
No? Thought so.
However, suppose you could be 100% sure...
ReplyDeleteThen you'd definitely have to confess today. For tomorrow you might slip on a banana peel and break your neck...
I even told you that it's all for you. It's not hard to see what it means.
ReplyDeleteim crying over this...so when??????
ReplyDeletePromoting this idea of hidden messages to one another is going to encourage stalkers. Anyone seen "A la folie"?
ReplyDeleteYeah, the quotes I write on my blog, the songs I listen to, the songs I sing.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post, I had this sudden epiphany that yeah, they're all for him, about him, to him.
It's been 2 months plus, but still I miss him like crazy. Maybe it isn't love anymore.
But Baby, you are and will still be the best part of my favourite songs.
I need the time to find out whether I do indeed love you... or whether I am lying to myself out of the fear of not having someone to love.
ReplyDeletePerhaps my knowing of my ability to deceive myself in such a way has made me too cautious, leading to the distortion of my love for you.
Or perhaps I knowingly use this as an excuse to avoid confronting the fear that I may not be able to live up to your expectations of me.
All I know, all I can be certain of, is the beauty of your soul, renders my ability to conclude certainties useless...and you will never know of the weeks, months, years I spent trying to figure out my emotions, my love for you.
You will never be forgotten <3
You're always thinking of me. I can feel it. Just say it. I'm listening.
ReplyDelete