I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it, doesn’t get it. They may think they get it, but they don’t. This is the sign you’ve been looking for.
You were meant to read these words.
Friday, June 18, 2010
The Shell Against Your Ear
Maybe we're notes, plucked from strings we cannot see. Maybe we're all echoes of each other. Maybe that sound is all you are.
When I was small they told me if I held a shell to my ear I could hear the sea. The sea reminds me of you and all the things I can't have back. Saying I miss you and ache for you is not enough.I miss you like a part of me is missing. Everyday I have to live without you I hate it. Everyday I learn to cope without you and love something else I hate it. One day i'll come back to you and I'll be a stranger to you and you to me. I'll be happy without you and I'll hate that happiness without you. I'll sabotage everything to make sure that doesn't happen. I want to be yours forever, I'll be waiting till I can come back to you. I'll wait forever till eventually the grief changes me. I want you to see me like this nurse me back to health. I had to leave you but I'm nothing without you. I'm loving you. I'm loving you
You really shouldn't matter. You shouldn't matter to me at all.
You're a nice person, but at the same time, you're not. You walk all over my heart, all the while probably not even knowing that you're doing it. You're stupid and aggravating and frustrating, and everything you do makes me want to hate you.
But I can't.
And all those things are what make you so human, so vulnerable, so normal. I've sat back and thought about this, and I've realized that logically, there really isn't anything special about you.
She is nothing special, just aching for you...longing for you...wanting you...waiting for you...picturing the future with you...picturing that baby face that got both of your and her features...just waiting, endless waiting...
Your heavy breath pressed against my neck. Your nervous heart trickling through your fingertips as they gently glide down my spine. This tinge of intimacy, longing, and regret transcending through these words...
I still love you and I always will. I'll keep waiting until you show up and I can tell you in person. You have already given me more love than I ever could have hoped for nor even deserved. Thank you. I love you.
They finally get it right and their eyes light up when they finally spot one another because their love is so strong? She has been waiting patiently, expectantly, lost but aware of location sensors and panel members of the approval board. I get it! Nothing special about me. I never claimed that there was. I've only declared my unabashed love that has cultivated slowly over time because it has.
It seems cruel... I would have been fine with only 5 minutes - as the eyes are the window into the soul. Access denied. Once again. Fuck yes, I'm hurt. I had high hopes for having a quality conversation with the one I love.
Please don't say that. Its just a little accident at the limiting point, really unexpected. I was a circling ant on the hot oven when I learned the gate was already closed for my flight. I cursed those who deny my access to communication with you. I prayed that you could get my signal. Only if you had the magic power.
I have to know - did I miss finding you because I ran ten-15 late getting there or because I drove away at 4:20, upset, etc?
We hold in our hands the most modern device for purposes of communication & information. And yet we allow societal norms to prevent us from utilizing them as was intended. Why? I guess I'm your secret, "kept" lady. For now, I'm fine with that but hopefull for the future. <3
I didn't/don't have my magic phone. They hid it away from me. I went to the bag claim, but couldn't find you. Where exactly were you? My private driver kept calling me every other 10 min to keep track of me. What was I supposed to do?
Next time, better have two flight numbers ready, the actual one and the one for telling. I bet 2 hrs difference between the flights should allow the man and woman to find each other. Just my suggestion...
Dreams with holes Crawling up into a tunnel of stars Lose myself inside the seams of second hands and silver moments and stars that burn with you
I am madly,
hopelessly,
in love with you
You echo through everything But especially through Inside out Do you know how it feels Real, for the first time - Real, do you hear me? The obliteration of doubt and rainy days and sitting by the sea, alone, as the sun comes up Do I really have to explain the contact of your skin on mine? Because touching you is touching me is undone by you is taming the untamed heart is
to the anonymous author: I don't know if you read the comments. I don't know if you'll read my comment. I don't know if you'll skim through it or dismiss it, or pay it any attention. What I do know is- I feel like me, years ago, all over again. Your words -phrases, really- evoke thoughts that I haven't had in ages. It's true; no one will ever know what you were feeling when you wrote your notes. No one -not me, not anyone in the world save one other- will know what you're talking about. But the thing with words is that they attach ideas... and that is what reaches everyone. I feel like you had the courage to write down almost everything I had ever felt at one point in my life. The difference between you and me though, is that you kept up with the writing. You didn't fall asleep thinking about your subject without writing it all down.. with me, I felt that if I tried and pushed it away, it would go away. I'm so close to finally letting go. I don't let things bother me anymore. But for the sake of everyone who has ever read your blog, keep on writing. Lie to us if everything's okay, because somedays, sometimes, some people just need to know that there are other people just like them. I guess it is safe to say that what you put into such beautiful fragments of sentences is what most of those people only wish they could do themselves. It helps us figure out what we're really feeling. I feel like we even use the same fragments sometimes. You remind me of how I wanted to write before... revealing everything in an ambiguous block of text. Separating things so only I would be able to figure them out. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. You do. Never stop keeping us guessing. Keep writing. And to your subject; your muse- do they know what they have in you? It's easy to talk online to a community of strangers. but if you can say this to him/her, then I think the world of you. God only knows how many times I held back and regretted it.
When I was small they told me if I held a shell to my ear I could hear the sea. The sea reminds me of you and all the things I can't have back.
ReplyDeleteSaying I miss you and ache for you is not enough.I miss you like a part of me is missing. Everyday I have to live without you I hate it. Everyday I learn to cope without you and love something else I hate it. One day i'll come back to you and I'll be a stranger to you and you to me. I'll be happy without you and I'll hate that happiness without you. I'll sabotage everything to make sure that doesn't happen. I want to be yours forever, I'll be waiting till I can come back to you. I'll wait forever till eventually the grief changes me. I want you to see me like this nurse me back to health. I had to leave you but I'm nothing without you. I'm loving you. I'm loving you
You really shouldn't matter. You shouldn't matter to me at all.
ReplyDeleteYou're a nice person, but at the same time, you're not.
You walk all over my heart, all the while probably not even knowing that you're doing it.
You're stupid and aggravating and frustrating, and everything you do makes me want to hate you.
But I can't.
And all those things are what make you so human, so vulnerable, so normal. I've sat back and thought about this, and I've realized that logically, there really isn't anything special about you.
But apparently, I don't care.
This is so, so, so lovely. Alone, we may be a single note, but together we can be beautiful songs.
ReplyDeleteCome and get me.... I am yours, all yours...just come, okay?
ReplyDeleteShe is nothing special, just aching for you...longing for you...wanting you...waiting for you...picturing the future with you...picturing that baby face that got both of your and her features...just waiting, endless waiting...
ReplyDeleteShe can't go on anymore...
ReplyDeletePeople the other side all watched her very closely, she had to do what the schedule said.
ReplyDeleteIs it all me? Is it all me...
ReplyDeleteIf it's just me... just me...
Your heavy breath pressed against my neck. Your nervous heart trickling through your fingertips as they gently glide down my spine. This tinge of intimacy, longing, and regret transcending through these words...
If it's all me, I feel within you...
How can I possibly live without you?
I still love you and I always will. I'll keep waiting until you show up and I can tell you in person. You have already given me more love than I ever could have hoped for nor even deserved. Thank you. I love you.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNothing is wrong with you. I feel that too. We are together as ONE. We'd both be sane or insane.
ReplyDeleteThey finally get it right and their eyes light up when they finally spot one another because their love is so strong? She has been waiting patiently, expectantly, lost but aware of location sensors and panel members of the approval board. I get it! Nothing special about me. I never claimed that there was. I've only declared my unabashed love that has cultivated slowly over time because it has.
ReplyDeleteIt seems cruel... I would have been fine with only 5 minutes - as the eyes are the window into the soul. Access denied. Once again. Fuck yes, I'm hurt. I had high hopes for having a quality conversation with the one I love.
Please don't say that. Its just a little accident at the limiting point, really unexpected. I was a circling ant on the hot oven when I learned the gate was already closed for my flight. I cursed those who deny my access to communication with you. I prayed that you could get my signal. Only if you had the magic power.
ReplyDeleteTried of saying sorry to you, but still please forgive me. I can never pay off the debt that I owe you, Mr. Generosity.
ReplyDeleteI have to know - did I miss finding you because I ran ten-15 late getting there or because I drove away at 4:20, upset, etc?
ReplyDeleteWe hold in our hands the most modern device for purposes of communication & information. And yet we allow societal norms to prevent us from utilizing them as was intended. Why? I guess I'm your secret, "kept" lady. For now, I'm fine with that but hopefull for the future. <3
Love,
Me
I didn't/don't have my magic phone. They hid it away from me. I went to the bag claim, but couldn't find you. Where exactly were you? My private driver kept calling me every other 10 min to keep track of me. What was I supposed to do?
ReplyDeleteNext time, better have two flight numbers ready, the actual one and the one for telling. I bet 2 hrs difference between the flights should allow the man and woman to find each other. Just my suggestion...
ReplyDeleteThe man should get his car windows tinted, dark color. There would be planty time to get to the parking lot....
ReplyDeleteDreams with holes
ReplyDeleteCrawling up into a tunnel of stars
Lose myself inside the seams of second hands
and silver moments
and stars that burn with you
I am madly,
hopelessly,
in love
with you
You echo through everything
But especially through
Inside out
Do you know how it feels
Real, for the first time -
Real,
do you hear me?
The obliteration of
doubt and rainy days and sitting by the sea, alone, as the sun comes up
Do I really have to explain
the contact of your skin on mine?
Because touching you is
touching me is
undone by you is
taming the untamed heart
is
all your fault
x
ff
Nice words
ReplyDeleteYou plucked my heart
ReplyDeletewet, red, bleeding notes
still beating blood music
love I cannot quench.
Minus the maybe's, sing it out loud... you're right you know.
ReplyDeleteThis totally made me think.
ReplyDeleteto the anonymous author:
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you read the comments. I don't know if you'll read my comment. I don't know if you'll skim through it or dismiss it, or pay it any attention. What I do know is- I feel like me, years ago, all over again. Your words -phrases, really- evoke thoughts that I haven't had in ages.
It's true; no one will ever know what you were feeling when you wrote your notes. No one -not me, not anyone in the world save one other- will know what you're talking about. But the thing with words is that they attach ideas... and that is what reaches everyone.
I feel like you had the courage to write down almost everything I had ever felt at one point in my life. The difference between you and me though, is that you kept up with the writing. You didn't fall asleep thinking about your subject without writing it all down.. with me, I felt that if I tried and pushed it away, it would go away. I'm so close to finally letting go. I don't let things bother me anymore. But for the sake of everyone who has ever read your blog, keep on writing. Lie to us if everything's okay, because somedays, sometimes, some people just need to know that there are other people just like them. I guess it is safe to say that what you put into such beautiful fragments of sentences is what most of those people only wish they could do themselves. It helps us figure out what we're really feeling.
I feel like we even use the same fragments sometimes. You remind me of how I wanted to write before... revealing everything in an ambiguous block of text. Separating things so only I would be able to figure them out. I don't know if I'm right or wrong. You do. Never stop keeping us guessing.
Keep writing. And to your subject; your muse- do they know what they have in you? It's easy to talk online to a community of strangers. but if you can say this to him/her, then I think the world of you. God only knows how many times I held back and regretted it.
If you don't know me by now ... then you will never ever know me.
ReplyDeleteWhen you don't post for a while I stay really mad at you. I am sorry.
ReplyDeletewe wrote these three days apart.
ReplyDeletehttp://cokanefriendly.blogspot.com/2010/06/note.html
http://cokanefriendly.blogspot.com/2010/06/symphony-3206152010.html
I love your work.