I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it, doesn’t get it. They may think they get it, but they don’t. This is the sign you’ve been looking for.
You were meant to read these words.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The Trouble With Delirium
And I don't know who you are, or why you say the things you say, but you need to get out of me. Here, there's only space for me.
Why? All I want is to run away to be with you. Request denied - always. I would attempt a trust fall, had I not been left to fall on my own in the past. The cruelest song lyric I've ever thought about was that Better Midler song. "It must have been cold there in my shadow; to never have sunlight on your face."
[Such fantastic advice earlier... from an alias.] Confusion? Stress test? If so, It's working. If so. I can't tell. You know exactly who I am and exactly how to reach me openly if you felt like it. You know precisely why I have been cautious about protecting you from me and you know precisely how I tick and precisely how much I love you. ND, right twinnie?
I see how fabulous you are at protecting yourself. Go ahead... erase me. I dislike putting horns against arrows but I can't seem to get past one irrefutable concept. Which is to say that if you were ever serious about loving me back, there would be irrefutable evidence. Not seeming resentment over my concerns about maintaining a residence.
I don't care about "stuff." I cared about us... until I hear confirmation that you only have room for you. My heart breaks in two. You wonder why I have trust issues. And yet I love you anyway. I'm weak, I guess. Tired too. <3
Tomorrow is a new day. Sleep well and then let's start anew, Sweetheart. GN. (back-rub)
I crave to give you back rub,anything that will make you feel better...No, I didnt deny you. Its you who did it. You didnt accept me of being me. You can't tolerate a me with all the flaws and shut the door in my face. But whatever you say or do, I will always be here waiting for you in my safe corner...I love you <3
I wish you could put a little faith in me. Trust from you? I dont expect that, its an unattainable luxury to me.
I am sorry..honey, I just cant concentrate on one positive thought for long. My mind is distracted and I am so scared without you being with me... Love.
I believe you know all my flaws, self-centered, resentful, revengeful...but no matter how I am, I love you. Forgive me if I ever hurt you because of my selfishness. I didnt mean to hurt you like this...<3
I know it's a bit nonsensical, but I actually find myself wanting to feel this way.
It's probably just asking for trouble, or testing the fates, or whichever. But I find myself wanting it. Maybe because I haven't gotten a chance to feel it in the first place. Morbid curiosity, perhaps?
This probably means nothing to you but this, right here what you wrote hit hard on a memory of a feeling I once had.. It was depression and restlessness and sleeplessness I was sick and never acknowledged help because I wanted to fight on my own. Through all of it.
But it just gave me a memory, the depression and sadness inside of me would not leave no matter what I tried to do. I thought of things I wished I wouldn't and the thoughts hurt me everyday I just couldn't escape them..
It felt like how you described it I just wanted it to leave the inside of me, cause it was destroying everything.
To my beloved honey dripper, I am going through a phase with you now where I by need am outside of the "organism's" membrane. My "guts" are no longer inside the shell having finally escaped into the nothingness of everything. But still, I love you and only you and I've discovered that when you and my shell make love the shell always forms a tiny crack during the point of the in ecstacy and release, allowing momentarily my return, and in this brief union after the carnal act, we sing and cry together euphoric tears and chant, scream and rant in heart smiles and soft eyed whispers about the deep and endless love we share,while intertwined in both body and soul joyful. However, before the shell finishes repairing the damage, I must escape through the quickly closing latiice or become imprisoned agiain within myself. -Your Dragonfly
Trust me when I say that I cautiously do trust you, with every fiber of my being. Trust me that I have faith that there is some semblance of a plan as of yet unclear to me. I trust that the plan is being set in motion, by the force of your nature or the nature of the universe at large of by some combination of both. Trust me when I say that I love you. Trust me when I say that I always have, that I always will. I trust myself in the knowledge that I will know what to do when the reality of kinetic energy is implemented. Phase two of what must surely be inevitable. The waiting is torturous delight. ;-)
My apologies again...I understand you now than ever before...I laugh...how come you were/are so terrified of me?! All I have been doing is loving you in my own way. But I admit its a very selfish way. Love. <3
And it's always been this way, but that's okay for tomorrow is another day and I won't stand in your way. And I trust that this is neither lust or a must. You see these cells in my head have a way of turning, sometimes more like burning. So I won't run away, I'll sit and I'll stay. I've called it out before and I've never wanted more, than what you're willing to share and what I'm starving to care. It's a clean break from the rest on my way to the best.
I know you more than you think, but we've hardly met and our progress seems to shrink.
The reason I hold resentment against is because I love you. I say it just to let it out, not because I hope you will believe me. Whatever the reality is, I am stuck to you like glue, so delicate...Love. <3
pls, I will love you my way if I can in the future, but right now I can love you your way.
We know each other ,just afraid to offer all to each other . Get out my head . It is about me . I crave attention from more than one .Space for me as #1
I say it to myself a hundred times I am woman, I am a soldier, I'm a hero, I am single I am sexy but aren't I just a toaster not plugged into anything? I am pointless, can't make toast, I can't do anything without you I am amazing but I don't have you. But worse thing even if I have you, you can't love me. I probably don't deserve love, I am arrogant to love myself.I actually hate that I love me because it makes me realise that you can't. Gone are the days when just a scrap of love was enough.Those were happy days when I was hungry, the sting from the abandonment of my parents stinging me forward. Then any love was good enough. I knew it was tainted but I didn't care it was there. My lonliness forces me to compromise but I cannot I cannot. I cannot, I can't. Please
From more than one? Oww. That stings. Even if it does not surprise. Must maintain what is in the reservoir, meanwhile. Progress? I have fantasy scenarios in which I force our progress; our natural promise. So badly do I want to be trusted and loved enough to admit us to the world. Maybe I fall and break my leg and I'm stuck in a ditch, or perhaps a stranger is robbing me and action must occur. A defining moment in the decision-making process. So utterly - human. A long shot, I know, but I have these bizarre thoughts. Meanwhile? I miss you and I love you. I'm always listening, waiting. Loving. No, I won't get out as easily as you might like.
I want to see how strong our love is...I want to see how much we want and need each other...I want to see how long you and I can endure and enjoy our bittersweet love and the end of this will be our new biginning. Hope I dont scare you when the day comes...long distance XOXO <3
My Dearest Anonymous, Your final comment to this post filled me with contentment, and your latest post summarizes the gist of how I, too, feel. Maybe we are both afraid of the light at the "end" but I greatly prefer to regard brazenly stepping into the sunlight as us embarking on our masterful sequel. Words wouldn't adequately describe how much I still want and need you. To this day the thought of you gives me giddy chills of joy; I have no regrets about what we have been up to and what we might plan to be up to down the road. I made space for you before I even knew you. Love from long distance… XOXO <3
You will probably never understand my love. Thanks for hurting me. Go lead your life. And here sits a soul whose heart is in pieces and that which cannot be mended. Yet, I love you. I don't deserve the pain ! Why did you do this to me?
Why? All I want is to run away to be with you. Request denied - always. I would attempt a trust fall, had I not been left to fall on my own in the past. The cruelest song lyric I've ever thought about was that Better Midler song. "It must have been cold there in my shadow; to never have sunlight on your face."
ReplyDelete[Such fantastic advice earlier... from an alias.] Confusion? Stress test? If so, It's working. If so. I can't tell. You know exactly who I am and exactly how to reach me openly if you felt like it. You know precisely why I have been cautious about protecting you from me and you know precisely how I tick and precisely how much I love you. ND, right twinnie?
I see how fabulous you are at protecting yourself. Go ahead... erase me. I dislike putting horns against arrows but I can't seem to get past one irrefutable concept. Which is to say that if you were ever serious about loving me back, there would be irrefutable evidence. Not seeming resentment over my concerns about maintaining a residence.
I don't care about "stuff." I cared about us... until I hear confirmation that you only have room for you. My heart breaks in two. You wonder why I have trust issues. And yet I love you anyway. I'm weak, I guess. Tired too. <3
Tomorrow is a new day. Sleep well and then let's start anew, Sweetheart. GN. (back-rub)
That's beautiful. I love the way you think, express your self. Refreshing.
DeleteThe trouble is you think you know who you are, what you will become. Drop the ideas and suddenly theres space to breathe again. xo
ReplyDeletewow amazin pic n words
ReplyDeleteI crave to give you back rub,anything that will make you feel better...No, I didnt deny you. Its you who did it. You didnt accept me of being me. You can't tolerate a me with all the flaws and shut the door in my face. But whatever you say or do, I will always be here waiting for you in my safe corner...I love you <3
ReplyDeleteI wish you could put a little faith in me. Trust from you? I dont expect that, its an unattainable luxury to me.
I am sorry..honey, I just cant concentrate on one positive thought for long. My mind is distracted and I am so scared without you being with me... Love.
ReplyDeleteI believe you know all my flaws, self-centered, resentful, revengeful...but no matter how I am, I love you. Forgive me if I ever hurt you because of my selfishness. I didnt mean to hurt you like this...<3
ReplyDeleteA demon...I tried to warn you love.
ReplyDeletea mirror is a prison and
ReplyDeletewe all hate to see the emaciated
face of what has always been there the entire fucking time.
photo woah
ReplyDelete5coment
I know it's a bit nonsensical, but I actually find myself wanting to feel this way.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably just asking for trouble, or testing the fates, or whichever. But I find myself wanting it. Maybe because I haven't gotten a chance to feel it in the first place.
Morbid curiosity, perhaps?
I wish he'd hear this and leave. I can't be me when he takes up all the space inside.
ReplyDeleteI need you to stop doing this to me because I cannot stand the noise that your scratching makes inside my head.
ReplyDeleteThis probably means nothing to you but this, right here what you wrote hit hard on a memory of a feeling I once had.. It was depression and restlessness and sleeplessness I was sick and never acknowledged help because I wanted to fight on my own. Through all of it.
ReplyDeleteBut it just gave me a memory, the depression and sadness inside of me would not leave no matter what I tried to do. I thought of things I wished I wouldn't and the thoughts hurt me everyday I just couldn't escape them..
It felt like how you described it I just wanted it to leave the inside of me, cause it was destroying everything.
But I have plenty of room for You! My heart is extensible. You can come stay there till the scary bugs leave.
ReplyDeleteTo my beloved honey dripper,
ReplyDeleteI am going through a phase with you now where I by need am outside of the "organism's" membrane. My "guts" are no longer inside the shell having finally escaped into the nothingness of everything. But still, I love you and only you and I've discovered that when you and my shell make love the shell always forms a tiny crack during the point of the in ecstacy and release, allowing momentarily my return, and in this brief union after the carnal act, we sing and cry together euphoric tears and chant, scream and rant in heart smiles and soft eyed whispers about the deep and endless love we share,while intertwined in both body and soul joyful. However, before the shell finishes repairing the damage, I must escape through the quickly closing latiice or become imprisoned agiain within myself.
-Your Dragonfly
yessss.
ReplyDeleteTrust me when I say that I cautiously do trust you, with every fiber of my being. Trust me that I have faith that there is some semblance of a plan as of yet unclear to me. I trust that the plan is being set in motion, by the force of your nature or the nature of the universe at large of by some combination of both. Trust me when I say that I love you. Trust me when I say that I always have, that I always will. I trust myself in the knowledge that I will know what to do when the reality of kinetic energy is implemented. Phase two of what must surely be inevitable. The waiting is torturous delight. ;-)
ReplyDeleteMy apologies again...I understand you now than ever before...I laugh...how come you were/are so terrified of me?! All I have been doing is loving you in my own way. But I admit its a very selfish way. Love. <3
ReplyDeleteAnd it's always been this way, but that's okay for tomorrow is another day and I won't stand in your way. And I trust that this is neither lust or a must. You see these cells in my head have a way of turning, sometimes more like burning. So I won't run away, I'll sit and I'll stay. I've called it out before and I've never wanted more, than what you're willing to share and what I'm starving to care. It's a clean break from the rest on my way to the best.
ReplyDeleteI know you more than you think, but we've hardly met and our progress seems to shrink.
Find me, find you. Take steps onto... ahead!
How are you and your family? I have so many doubts....
ReplyDeleteMoney can't buy happiness but everyone needs it for survival.
ReplyDeleteWhere is "us", only if would tell me... I love you. <3
ReplyDeleteThe reason I hold resentment against is because I love you. I say it just to let it out, not because I hope you will believe me. Whatever the reality is, I am stuck to you like glue, so delicate...Love. <3
ReplyDeletepls, I will love you my way if I can in the future, but right now I can love you your way.
You made yourself out to be what you are not. I should have listened to him. He told me you were that way. You were'nt that good anyway.
ReplyDeleteI laugh at demons.
We know each other ,just afraid to offer all to each other .
ReplyDeleteGet out my head .
It is about me .
I crave attention from more than one .Space for me as #1
Today I made the choice not to be a starving martyr, but a hungry artist.
ReplyDeleteI say it to myself a hundred times I am woman, I am a soldier, I'm a hero, I am single I am sexy but aren't I just a toaster not plugged into anything? I am pointless, can't make toast, I can't do anything without you I am amazing but I don't have you.
ReplyDeleteBut worse thing even if I have you, you can't love me.
I probably don't deserve love, I am arrogant to love myself.I actually hate that I love me because it makes me realise that you can't.
Gone are the days when just a scrap of love was enough.Those were happy days when I was hungry, the sting from the abandonment of my parents stinging me forward. Then any love was good enough. I knew it was tainted but I didn't care it was there.
My lonliness forces me to compromise but I cannot I cannot. I cannot, I can't. Please
From more than one? Oww. That stings. Even if it does not surprise. Must maintain what is in the reservoir, meanwhile. Progress? I have fantasy scenarios in which I force our progress; our natural promise. So badly do I want to be trusted and loved enough to admit us to the world. Maybe I fall and break my leg and I'm stuck in a ditch, or perhaps a stranger is robbing me and action must occur. A defining moment in the decision-making process. So utterly - human. A long shot, I know, but I have these bizarre thoughts. Meanwhile? I miss you and I love you. I'm always listening, waiting. Loving. No, I won't get out as easily as you might like.
ReplyDeleteMy love for love will never die
ReplyDeleteyou flow through my veins
you make me cry.
Your attempts to kill it
make it stronger
You wear me out,
but I'll love you longer.
Please understand me
I will defend my love of love
at any cost...never lost.
I want to see how strong our love is...I want to see how much we want and need each other...I want to see how long you and I can endure and enjoy our bittersweet love and the end of this will be our new biginning. Hope I dont scare you when the day comes...long distance XOXO <3
ReplyDeleteMy Dearest Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteYour final comment to this post filled me with contentment, and your latest post summarizes the gist of how I, too, feel. Maybe we are both afraid of the light at the "end" but I greatly prefer to regard brazenly stepping into the sunlight as us embarking on our masterful sequel. Words wouldn't adequately describe how much I still want and need you. To this day the thought of you gives me giddy chills of joy; I have no regrets about what we have been up to and what we might plan to be up to down the road. I made space for you before I even knew you. Love from long distance… XOXO <3
I don't know how to reach you openly.
ReplyDeleteYou will probably never understand my love. Thanks for hurting me. Go lead your life. And here sits a soul whose heart is in pieces and that which cannot be mended. Yet, I love you. I don't deserve the pain ! Why did you do this to me?
ReplyDelete