I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it, doesn’t get it. They may think they get it, but they don’t. This is the sign you’ve been looking for.
You were meant to read these words.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Glass Tower
Until you are no longer the pictures that chase me down a flight of screens each night. Until the part of me that you first touched, forgets.
Sick. Apathetic. Mean. Cruel. These are the self-realizations about the whole thing that twisted my head in circles in the aftermath. I AM all of these adjectives that I preach so ardently against. I don't think I know a bigger hypocrite than myself.
I suppose with all the events that took place, I thought I needed some sort of confirmation on the matter from you. But in truth, I've been getting it all along, though so ambivalently direct and over the top that my brain had a hard time processing all the information and sorting through the truths. So much so that I once blacked out over ALL of it, lay unconscious on the floor for a few good minutes.
Believe me when I say I've been trying my best with the materials I've been given. There's only so much one can sort through in one sitting and yours was the biggest most confusing of them all. I've been impatient, I've been un-sincere, I've been everything that would want to keep you away.
And NONE of it is on you, or even a reflection of how I feel about you (I'd hope you know). If you truly knew the storm that erupted inside my head and everything that led up to now, you'd see that it is all a reflection on me and my insecurities (as I'm sure you know). Building defenses over the things that I vulnerably put out in the beginning. Pointlessly sacrificing everything I had.
The regret is gone.
The idea of you loving me, taking me as I am, or even giving me a chance is beyond my wildest dreams. It can be incomprehensible and it always has been, from day one.
So, I'll wait for you and you only. You've made it clear, your point made.
I'll see you again, whenever time deems appropriate.
We had to take the time to know one another, that's all. I still get confused as to intentions yet still I have no regrets. Love. Tears. Fear. Jitters. Envy. Passion. Sleeplessness. Flutters. Pure, raw love; both romantic and otherwise. A connection that runs so deep I will never be the same, nor would I want to be. You have transformed me for the better and I will always need and want you close by. By now you should know me well enough to know that I mean what I say. Still waiting. XO. I'm not afraid. <3
To my beloved. Please don't ever change. I know I told you you were imperfect, but it was only out of selfishness. I had enough, or at least I did when I had you. Now all I have are memories of your gorgeous face. Memories that will take a lifetime to replace.
I miss you already and it's only been two days. I keep you in my thoughts and dreams, (as if I have a choice)...
And now everyone is joining in on the fun. Hearts wide open, days turned black.
Are we waiting for a chance encounter? Destiny or fate?
I'm sorry. I suffer from a condition called BFM (brain fart mania). The doctors say there's no cure, but symptoms are manageable.
Like diarrhea of the mouth, mine escapes through the fingers. I don't know half of what I write. You will always have free reign to make fun of me in whatever capacity, I'm not sensitive to my hiccups.
I've always known you, even when I'm not sure if I do. Onward we go!
You won't hear another word from me.
I forgot exactly what happened in the first place.
I miss you, and you should know that. Last night, I've tried to listen to that song I have always wanted you to sing to me. I had a laugh, I thought " good old days". Strange that with what happened with us, I don't feel any anger or detest you because I bet time has really mended. I wish you to be happy. Someday, I'd give you a wink if I see you again. Be sad, no more. Mwah
What happened in the first place was out of our control.. well at least out of my control. How you managed to dig yourself so deep into my heart I will never know. But you are there now and I will not let you leave. I don't care if it is not right. I don't care if it is not traditional. I want you in my heart forever!
You are free to be who you want to be, go where you want to go, see who you want to see, but you will always have a home inside of me.
Please don't shun me. Please don't think you have to cure me. I don't want to be cured, so your efforts are fruitless. All you do is kill me a little more every day that you remain silent. However, I can survive in this glass tower forever with you, because that first touch was a sustainable/renewable energy that will never leave me.
What did I see when I saw you? That's simple. A beautiful soul and countenance encompassed by a man that I love. What I detected is perhaps more relevant to the conversation. I sensed some resentment, which surprised me. At the time I was gung-ho with dreams and notions of regular video chats and that sort of thing.
I also picked up on highly functioning brain waves whose grey cells churn at a more rapid pace than most... an intelligence that is innately rare and fascinating. My intrigue only grew from there. I was left feeling slightly rejected, yet enamored. I wanted, no, needed more.
That cognitive dissonance thing that I speak of... I still keep a piece of paper that I tore out of a "Common Goods" catalog. There must be something to the phenomenon that I have spoken about in the past because each adjective that is applied to "you" I find to be true. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just as you tend to "study" me like a science, I in tern "study" you. I love my findings. I love you. Please inform me as to what I have done/said most recently to offend you. I want to know so that I can make amends.
(I can't get ABBA out of my head now... silly. But that only makes me smile.) I leave this note with today's crazy horoscope for mwah:
When you least expect it, the world as you know it will come to a rapid-fire close. Not an end, exactly, and certainly not an unpleasant one, regardless, but you may wake up today tapping your heels together with the vague realization that you're definitely not in Kansas anymore. This time, even though you're not ordinarily fond of change, climbing into the balloon with the Wizard won't bother you, mostly because you've been planning this for a while <3 XO Love, Me
Every day and every moment I think of you cuts like falling blades of glass. So many things remind me of you, randomly, I feel like I'm running past a glass building in the dark during an earthquake. But my hurt is all on the inside, I don't see the damage they do. I just know I'm living in a world of hurt, a world where everything reminds me of you.
my tears welled up and I'm ready to burst out any second now. thank you. thank you for writing the words i needed to say but couldn't. thank you for letting me know i'm not alone. thank you. but heartaches are perpetual. as Neruda said, love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Until my heart learns to hate you, and your not every thought in my mind, every song on the radio, every action that I take. Until this black spot is wiped from my vision, until then, I will wait for you!
until the hole in the wall where my fist screamed your name is patched. until every last love poem i wrote for you
ReplyDeletebleaches from the page.
I feel this deep down. Perfect timing.
ReplyDeletebeautiful<3 thank you for this
ReplyDeleteUntil the the part of me that you first touched, forgets. :)
ReplyDeleteamazing. <3
ReplyDeleteSick. Apathetic. Mean. Cruel. These are the self-realizations about the whole thing that twisted my head in circles in the aftermath. I AM all of these adjectives that I preach so ardently against. I don't think I know a bigger hypocrite than myself.
ReplyDeleteI suppose with all the events that took place, I thought I needed some sort of confirmation on the matter from you. But in truth, I've been getting it all along, though so ambivalently direct and over the top that my brain had a hard time processing all the information and sorting through the truths. So much so that I once blacked out over ALL of it, lay unconscious on the floor for a few good minutes.
Believe me when I say I've been trying my best with the materials I've been given. There's only so much one can sort through in one sitting and yours was the biggest most confusing of them all. I've been impatient, I've been un-sincere, I've been everything that would want to keep you away.
And NONE of it is on you, or even a reflection of how I feel about you (I'd hope you know). If you truly knew the storm that erupted inside my head and everything that led up to now, you'd see that it is all a reflection on me and my insecurities (as I'm sure you know). Building defenses over the things that I vulnerably put out in the beginning. Pointlessly sacrificing everything I had.
The regret is gone.
The idea of you loving me, taking me as I am, or even giving me a chance is beyond my wildest dreams. It can be incomprehensible and it always has been, from day one.
So, I'll wait for you and you only. You've made it clear, your point made.
I'll see you again, whenever time deems appropriate.
Thank you for your patience. Thank you for YOU.
Do you ever forget?
ReplyDeleteDestroy rebuild until god shows.
ReplyDeleteYou know something?
ReplyDeleteI'm much happier when I pretend that it hasn't just been me, by myself, this whole time, tailing you like a lost puppy.
You don't love me. You haven't before, you don't, and you never will.
And I've tried to move on, but I can't. As if I'm physically unable to. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a masochist?
and the tears well up again.
ReplyDeletebut thank you <3
but what if you can never forget? what if beauty chases you away? what if fear of the one you love leaves you breathless.. what then?
ReplyDeletesomeday, i'd be able to say that i USED to relate to this
ReplyDeleteWe had to take the time to know one another, that's all. I still get confused as to intentions yet still I have no regrets. Love. Tears. Fear. Jitters. Envy. Passion. Sleeplessness. Flutters. Pure, raw love; both romantic and otherwise. A connection that runs so deep I will never be the same, nor would I want to be. You have transformed me for the better and I will always need and want you close by. By now you should know me well enough to know that I mean what I say. Still waiting. XO.
ReplyDeleteI'm not afraid. <3
No, not excuses. Tell our story to the world :)
ReplyDeleteI know you, I don't know you.
What were we to begin with?
I digress...
Enough said. ♥
ReplyDeleteForget of what? Humiliation? Never!
ReplyDeleteI have the urge to smack someone in the face and throw him in the wall! Sorry for being so violent...out of control sometimes :(
ReplyDeleteuntil my heart forgets what it feels like to beat for you.
ReplyDeleteyour posts have been sad and about losing someone lately...i hope you are okay.
ReplyDeleteUntil I can look at you and only see a face.
ReplyDelete...and until the day my heart doesn't stop beating when I remember your smile and see you name, until that day...
ReplyDeleteTo my beloved. Please don't ever change. I know I told you you were imperfect, but it was only out of selfishness. I had enough, or at least I did when I had you. Now all I have are memories of your gorgeous face. Memories that will take a lifetime to replace.
ReplyDeleteI miss you already and it's only been two days. I keep you in my thoughts and dreams, (as if I have a choice)...
I will always love you.
And now everyone is joining in on the fun. Hearts wide open, days turned black.
ReplyDeleteAre we waiting for a chance encounter? Destiny or fate?
I'm sorry. I suffer from a condition called BFM (brain fart mania). The doctors say there's no cure, but symptoms are manageable.
Like diarrhea of the mouth, mine escapes through the fingers. I don't know half of what I write. You will always have free reign to make fun of me in whatever capacity, I'm not sensitive to my hiccups.
I've always known you, even when I'm not sure if I do. Onward we go!
You won't hear another word from me.
I forgot exactly what happened in the first place.
I miss you, and you should know that. Last night, I've tried to listen to that song I have always wanted you to sing to me. I had a laugh, I thought " good old days". Strange that with what happened with us, I don't feel any anger or detest you because I bet time has really mended. I wish you to be happy. Someday, I'd give you a wink if I see you again. Be sad, no more.
ReplyDeleteMwah
Until then...I will never forget! That means never...
ReplyDeleteWhen my memory begins to fail, you will be the last thought in this masochist's head.
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head every. single. time.
ReplyDeleteSome touches are never forgotten, for good or for evil...
ReplyDeleteWhat did you see last time when you saw me? Just wondering is there anything else you saw other than that innocent evil stare?
ReplyDeleteWhat happened in the first place was out of our control.. well at least out of my control. How you managed to dig yourself so deep into my heart I will never know. But you are there now and I will not let you leave. I don't care if it is not right. I don't care if it is not traditional. I want you in my heart forever!
ReplyDeleteYou are free to be who you want to be, go where you want to go, see who you want to see, but you will always have a home inside of me.
Please don't shun me. Please don't think you have to cure me. I don't want to be cured, so your efforts are fruitless. All you do is kill me a little more every day that you remain silent. However, I can survive in this glass tower forever with you, because that first touch was a sustainable/renewable energy that will never leave me.
Please understand me.
What did I see last time I saw you? Hmmmm....
ReplyDeleteI saw unfading beauty, not just a face. I saw confusion of my manic pride. I also saw you holding back a smile, I think? Curiosity.
What should I expect when I see you again?
What did you see last time when you saw me? Anything else besides over-confident, prying douchebag?
ReplyDeleteYou will see me next time with a loud faked smile...would you enjoy that than last time?
ReplyDeleteWhen I saw you last time, I saw the real he...the best actor! Evil!!
ReplyDeleteWhat did I see when I saw you? That's simple. A beautiful soul and countenance encompassed by a man that I love. What I detected is perhaps more relevant to the conversation. I sensed some resentment, which surprised me. At the time I was gung-ho with dreams and notions of regular video chats and that sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteI also picked up on highly functioning brain waves whose grey cells churn at a more rapid pace than most... an intelligence that is innately rare and fascinating. My intrigue only grew from there. I was left feeling slightly rejected, yet enamored. I wanted, no, needed more.
That cognitive dissonance thing that I speak of... I still keep a piece of paper that I tore out of a "Common Goods" catalog. There must be something to the phenomenon that I have spoken about in the past because each adjective that is applied to "you" I find to be true. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just as you tend to "study" me like a science, I in tern "study" you. I love my findings. I love you. Please inform me as to what I have done/said most recently to offend you. I want to know so that I can make amends.
(I can't get ABBA out of my head now... silly. But that only makes me smile.) I leave this note with today's crazy horoscope for mwah:
When you least expect it, the world as you know it will come to a rapid-fire close. Not an end, exactly, and certainly not an unpleasant one, regardless, but you may wake up today tapping your heels together with the vague realization that you're definitely not in Kansas anymore. This time, even though you're not ordinarily fond of change, climbing into the balloon with the Wizard won't bother you, mostly because you've been planning this for a while
<3 XO Love, Me
My nails hurt...I hit too much :( Still have the urge to hit...<3
ReplyDeleteEvery day and every moment I think of you cuts like falling blades of glass. So many things remind me of you, randomly, I feel like I'm running past a glass building in the dark during an earthquake.
ReplyDeleteBut my hurt is all on the inside, I don't see the damage they do. I just know I'm living in a world of hurt, a world where everything reminds me of you.
my tears welled up and I'm ready to burst out any second now. thank you. thank you for writing the words i needed to say but couldn't. thank you for letting me know i'm not alone. thank you. but heartaches are perpetual. as Neruda said, love is so short, forgetting is so long.
ReplyDeleteUntil my heart learns to hate you, and your not every thought in my mind, every song on the radio, every action that I take. Until this black spot is wiped from my vision, until then, I will wait for you!
ReplyDeleteoh darling that part never seems to forget...it is what it is...and a touch stays forever...
ReplyDelete