Wednesday, December 11, 2013
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I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it, doesn’t get it. They may think they get it, but they don’t. This is the sign you’ve been looking for. You were meant to read these words.
Just what I need to remind myself of lately. Thank you...
My delusions of grandeur and overcompensated sense of self and my abilities can be linked to a bruised and fragile ego that was fueled in part (or mostly) by substance abuse and unresolved mental health/emotional issues. Physical changes in the brain that once manifested are as easy to remedy as running is to heal a broken leg. A shattering of self identity to try and reconstruct the God dillema of destiny and how it correlates to specific circumstances and perceived tangible symbolism through the lense of psychotic reflection. A self-fulfilling prophecy that was foretold, the crash back to reality is hard and long. Sobriety brings with it a collective of feelings and regrets that were once covered by a cloud of smoke and a bottle. Left to feel and sort through the raw underbelly of the broken past can turn up pages you never wanted to read again, too bad there are literally hundreds of them.
My intentions for writing now are merely therapuetic, to help close one chapter in order to move on to the next. I'm far from from being "recovered", still very much isolated and alone. My dreams for the future have changed to more simple expectations, that I can one day find a place to belong and feel loved. That I can one day find true happiness with someone who actually understands me, not just loves me. That I can find some self-independence and joy in things.
I don't expect you to actually read this, or to ever see or hear from you. It just makes me feel better to write and let go.
I still don't know what it was about you or why it made me so hopelessly pathetic...
"So here's the thing with my head, I'm unstable.
I'm feeling honesty come out, when really I'm just gone."
Anonymous, are you the anonymous I hope you are. If so, baby, just please come home. I understand you. So well, perhaps because I have been going through it all these last 6 years. It's been a long time this homecoming....
Still waiting for you....
You know what I don't have time for this because I write for myself now.
Welcome Back. I've missed you.
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