Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Static

I know how you felt about me. I knew all along. You'd break up a little, become a little more static, whenever you spoke to me and you were always trying to figure out ways to be near me. It was obvious. I'm sorry I didn't return your feelings, I was an idiot and a fool. And it's got nothing to do with who you become, seriously, I'm really sorry. Please, give me a call sometime.


Anonymous said...

this nearly made me cry. it made me think too much, im not used to it. does he know? if he read this, would he know? is it really that obvious? thankyou, really thankyou. every single thing on here makes me think, opens up a little door in my mind, until the only locked doors are those that aren't ready to be opened. i hope you know that i'm not the only one who thinks such things when they read this, through this you have and will inspire so many people, well done and thankyou.

Anonymous said...

I chose the oldest post that had some resemblance to my situation as I don't really want anyone to read it, yet, if it's not out there it's not real. If the possibility of it being read doesn't exist it doesn't matter and it won't be out there, still in here. And I want to scream it! I want to scream in your face, I want to hit your chest with exhausted clenched fists until you give me a reaction!!! I need you to react. In any way.

How am I supposed to be. Not even act, of feel, how am I supposed to be? When I am alone in my room, I don't know how to be about this. You simply don't let me. It's too much or too little. And through it all we reiterate 'we're just friends' and it's a snowball.. it grows as you say it and I respond with a smile and a 'always'. And next time, then it's my turn to say it first. Every awkward moment seems to be filled with it.

I want us to just be friends. I can't let this become anything more yet, us not talking about it keeps this possibility of something more alive. I need to talk to you. I wish you'd read this and somehow think it has relevance to you.

You'll break my heart if I ever let you have it. You're broken, and I've told you this. The sad part is you don't know it, you deny it with such conviction that in my heart I know you don't know your own brokenness. It is so obvious to see. I saw it the very first night we met. I don't want to pick up the pieces! It's not my fault! It's not your fault either. you don't even know it. That's one of the biggest problems.

I want you to know the things I feel. I should have told you yesterday when you were lying on the couch, but you were telling me about your dream and I was in it. You dream about me even when you're with me. How am I supposed to tell you something I don't really want to happen is the only way? And then I know in my heart that you won't be my friend anymore. If the possibility of the romance is gone, there will be nothing left for you. And you'll remove yourself from my world, and I will think about you everyday and wonder. I will stare at my phone as if to will it to get a sms from you. One that you won't send. Because maybe you're not even who I think you are.

You keep telling me that I cannot trust you. How am I supposed to trust you?! You frustrate me. You fascinate me. You are such an idiot! I should be enough for you, if this world wasn't so superficial and bent then I would have been. But then maybe you wouldn't have been.

Anonymous said...

you knew it all along; knew the extent of what i could to you; knew how much i could love you.

our story would have been the most beautiful love story.

but you just never looked my way.

Anonymous said...

I still somehow wish that I could make you stop liking me. Its just that... I will hurt you. And you've already got so much hurt in you. I don't want that pain to accumulate.
Sometimes I wonder why my feelings are not enough. Why I am the one who becomes a friend, but shies away when you, with just a glance, show your feelings. You're not the first, and probably not the last. I just regret that you were the one who had to fall in love with me.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I lie awake and my heart aches for you, as I know that your heart does too, but for a completely different reason. I send you a thought; but as you have never really told me, I can not speak to you about it. Would it be easier if you did? You know that I know these things about you. Why do we prolong this?
Perhaps you saw the pieces of me that did not really fit, and wanted to share them. Or perhaps you thought you saw that strength? The one that you lack? I wonder if you thought I could mend you. Can't you see that I'm as incomplete as you are? Two people who can't swim that cling to each other in a stormy sea do not survive.
They drown.

Please, don't make us drown.
I want you to be alive.

Anonymous said...

I badly want you to know how much I care for you. How much I love you.

I think you do know.

It frustrates me how you don't show any response. I know you love me too. I know you do.

But after reading these comments, I understand more clearly how you feel. I thought that, the you love me and don't want to lose me but you don't want to ruin what we have thing, is just bull, but I see clearly now.

I really do. We'll just see where it goes from here now, shall we? I still hope, but not as hard as before.

It just feels free, to understand.

someone said...

i read these anonymous comments and pretend it's you. and then things don't seem that bad anymore.

Anonymous said...

i know im three years late for this. but this speaks what i feel right now. thankyou for this :)

Anonymous said...

I'm three years late, but the time it was posted doesn't matter. It's the message the post sends.

I adore this guy and it always seems like he just looks right through me. But reading this post, and all of your comments has given me hope that maybe, he's shy too, and that neither of us has the strength and come out and say what we both want to say.

But, at the same time, I picture him reading this post and thinking that maybe I wrote it, and that he missed out on me.

As much as I may care about him, I can't sit around and wait forever for him.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. so much.
I hope you will be able to resume your posts soon.

Anonymous said...

i didn't know the extent of your feelings for me. and then i did. every time i showed interest you feigned apathy. or was it real apathy? as time goes on my feelings get stronger, my desire to be around you harder to ignore. you tell me Take It Easy (Love Nothing) is your anthem. i've tried to get close to you. i need you in my life. please open back up to me. when we were close we were oh so close. you're the only one that understands me. i just need to see you to feel connected. or read a book you recommend. or listen to a song you write or say reminds you of me. but all of these are impossible if you don't answer your phone and ignore my attempts. i need you in my life. i always will. i'm sorry i didn't know how you felt when you felt it, but now i need you more than ever.

sheesh said...

I've been thinking of you constantly. I hope you too do. Please give me a call sometime...

Anonymous said...

You've got my number now. You can call me.

Anonymous said...

Oh no darling! I do not have your number and I don't think I would have called even if I did.
Let it be.
There's been enough blood on the dance floor. ;)
I have said goodbye. Yeah it took me a li'l more than 5 years to really do that.
But it's been done now.
And I don't look back.

Alexis said...

What a comment on how the space illusions itself between the movements of time. Isn't this silence such a gasp of discreetness?- Though, expected and dreaded, yes, it defines. It discovers. It becomes. There is no way it can be any other conjunction of feelings. They all will become defining for us. How sad.